Thursday, July 21, 2005
Yes I din slp well last nite...actuali din slp much...was jus tinkin n tinkin...Wat's my main role here? Perhaps I reli lost...lost my way n sense of belongin...I actuali keep hummin hymn songs tat I like & used 2 hear when I was in Pri & Sec sch...well it did soothe me a little...reli wana go hunt those few songs down so tat I can save it in moi mp3 player...
Quite sick of life here...wana change a new environment...tink may nt go help papa tonite...jus wana hide in my room & pick myself up...or disappear 4 a few days & leave those consider as my family members & bf...no one can live w/o no one...we dun reli nid 2 depend on one another...to each of its own...
Despite ppl who I consider my closest kin dun even understand me...wat e use huh? ytd my bf commented on me spendin money on clothes when my cupboard gt plenty of clothes...haha...yes I m a junk collector 2 him bah...but everytin I hav n dun throw away does contain sentimental values which I cant let go...I admit I hav loads of soft toys, bks, t-shirts, sch lectures notes n exams papers & etc...But all tis grew wif me...Hw can he comment tat I dun throw/giv them away...i dun wan too....Mayb perhaps or wateva, but i feel tat my past shape my future & stuffs like those bring memories...hw m i suppose 2 let them go? Bf say I cant find other ways 2 remember them? huh? hw else 2 do so? I dun wan 2 be like most ppl, as times past, new memories overtake old ones...tat y i writes diary n now blogs...so tat once in awhile, i can go back n read abt myself, n cherish tat moments...
My past memories r e ones oways stayin by side & comfortin me, can anyone else do it? I dun blame my frens, family members or even bf...I noe we r often too busy ourselves, sorting out each lives too...but pls dun make awful remarks & stuff 2 add on others...
Maybe bf feels tat i din do enuff 2 plan 4 our future, i tryin hard 2 get a perm job, am i nt? & he dun feel hapi abt it, i m sacrificin our future in exchange 4 freedom n hapiness i get workin tis current job...ya we r diff, he is a planner, i m those tat live day by day...since we nt plannin for marriage yet, hw do u expect me 2 save? u gimme a target date 2 start, i'll save too...dun blame me on spendin on my hapiness rite? Maybe I m reli useless bah...guess me & him is driftin apart n nv solve or close e communication tingy...
N oso i been nt eatin well, self torture again bah...migraines oso hav been killin me, been relyin on panadols...haha but it din help further...tot medication suppose 2 make me drowsy n put me 2 slp but it actuali keep me more awake...guess i m jus torturin myself till i fall real sick n land in hospital 4 a gd rest bah...
C hw tings goes bah...anyway 2day i did make myself hapi a little...was playin wif new blogs skins wif joyce...tink if w/o work, i sure depressed till die...as for da rest of da day, i'll jus feel a little down n stone 4 da day...
cheyanne (>_<) last posted ; 11:13 AM