Saturday, October 29, 2005
~29th Oct~
Jus watch a documentary on human behaviour. They put mama with 2 kids in a room, and then can c tat e younger one will do anytin 2 jus 2 seek mama's attention whereas, e elder will be more rational and said stuff like "I luv u mama" or "I'll wait mama for u 2 be free". The comparision clearly illustrated tat elder siblings are more sensible. Then they showed prove like Florence Nightingale, Ghadi, Luther King are famous ppl who derived fr being the eldest and thus emerged as famous revolutionists...
Mayb tat y i tink tat way too...i mean i duno wat wrong i hav done...currently tinkin and tinkin...wat's wrong wif livin 4 e sake of others? My life hav been like "if u r hapi, i'm hapi" but suddenly i nid 2 change tis concept...y? I admit im reli too simple minded...but wat wrong wif tat? Y cant i live for e sake of others...makin oneself hapi is so so easy...while makin others hapi is a far more challenging and satisfyin commitment...
I hardly open up 2 family, frens or even anyone...yes i admit tat i m afraid tat i show myself too much i'll b vulnerable 2 "attacks" cuz i kana a few times b4...as 4 my family, i din wana share my wories wif them as they r oredi rather troubled too...so i grew up wif tis tinkin of "zhi sheng zhi mie", even frens r troubled wif their own life too...so y add on 2 their wories...y nt provide joy 2 all of them...yet i was bein qn tat my way of doing tis is so so wrong...nw me in a turmoil...wat is rite? wat is wrong?
perhaps i hav 2 be more complex...get rid of my simple minded/ naive 2 actually understand tis...start 2 be mean n tink onli 2 make myself hapi more...gosh i duno if i can do it...all tis life i been like yes most part goes 2 makin others hapi, little 4 myself...mayb 10 yrs down e road, sumone might ask me wat do u tink u hav achieve in life? And my reply will b "I have tried 2 make alot alot of ppl hapi but as for myself, i haven't truly found wat reli make me hapi, thus i enjoyed seein my surroundings ppl stay hapi"
of course i hav 2 be strong 2 keep tis goin..hw can sumone nt strong, nt hapi try to bring hapiness 2 everyone...which i found sumone finally as my motivation...but he qn me on my life...he is reli the biggest part in my life to go on...well there are others too...m i too easily self contented? or even those "bu qiu shang jin de ren" in sum others ppl perceptions...
sumone to luv, wake up every mornin n c him n becum ur energy booster for the rest of da day...cum hm no matter wat "shit" u kana, u c him n all the "shit" is gone...hopin tat u can oso do tat to him...yet i hav failed...i blamed myself badly, so m i the rite person 4 him? or i din try harder? anyone wana gimme sum advice feel free to msg me or date me out...
guess he too been in a real bad period...yes i was lousy...i as a gf cant help him...n we reli broke off...but i dun wan...guess i was jus useless...so nw i will jus wait for him...n try to be there 4 him...i reli dun nid any much care fr him if he cant...but i guess as a bf it is his duty...so i gotta buck up n take care of myself...hope he will take care of himself too...
well he is more realistic...as for me, wif him ard cannot solve my problems but he will motivate me, gimme courage to solve my problems slowly...n nt run away anymore...but he is diff...he feel tat wif me ard...i m his extra burden...add on more load to his problems...so wat shld i reli do? guess i nid to find ways to solve it...a little hug n comfort of havin me by his side wont help...so i shld be a tinker...okie his wk i cant help...his sis prob is oso wat i read n told him...did i do more harm n add on to his wories? perhaps cuz i duno hw to reach his sis...but i actuali spend time to read his sis blog...i oways feel tat his sis is so cool on da outside n unapproachable...jus like me in da past...no matter hw bad i felt inside...me will oways look so strong outside...then sumday i collaspe...i hope she wont be too...
as for his papa & mama...tis i duno hw to solve, as his papa wan to retire...yet he begins to feel sick here n there...yup once u stop ur engine becum rusty...but as a youngster, i cant go tell him go wk...do sum light jobs...so tis des got to solve himself too...gosh wif all tis tests, he will surely emerge to be a beta n stronger person...jus dun giv up easily...dun fall into depression...i wana to be there for u oways...
~28th Oct~
i went wanderin abt cuz i was in my own tots...then i almost wana kill myself...but i ctrl...yes i finally found other ways to relieve...actuali tis week i tried to almost wana end my life...but i stopped...guess i can do beta to step out of depression...i went to eat haagen diaz ice cream fondue...yummy...n took a stroll n relax myself...world aint goin to change for u or becuz of u...u hav to change to adapt but dun lose urself...i will change but i can nv be complex n mean...so i will be stil as naive...
when i was on my way hm....realized sumtin horrible...bus drivers nowadays r so so reckless...sum ppl oredi press the bell, so guess he muz be slpin...almost miss the stop so the passenger press the bell again n bus driver e-break...one woman fell flat on the floor n injured her hand...as for me n sum other we were flung...argh n i injured my rite wrist again...it hurts...papa mama in msia...no bf to care...so i applied ointment myself...hope nth happen..but when i bend my wrist, it hurts...oh well...jus wait till mama is hm to take care of me...
~27th-22nd Oct~
yup will be signin my new job on 4th nov...will oso be payin my life insurance...but the clause will reject me of compensatin hospital fees if i landed in hospital due to gastric...
and oso due to my dietin...i hav lost 2kg tis week...gd gd...will keep it up...wana regain my weight to 38kg once more...
cheyanne (>_<) last posted ; 4:53 PM